|Either this is my colon or my semi-colon or THE BLOB|
It's has been five years since I had the first de-virginization of my rear end and since then, my mother had died of colon cancer. So it is a necessity for me to have this procedure done every five years instead of the usual ten years. Shall I call this de-virginization part 2 even though that's not technically possible? Call it what you may but it still involves inserting an endoscope up where the sun don't shine and in my mind it feels like I'm going to be violated. Perhaps that's why it's called an ENDoscope. And to think that they blow air inside your intestines and shine a light where I previously said "the sun don't shine", so the doctor can see what he is doing. Good thing I'm unconscious through all that, thanks to Michael Jackson's sleeping drug of choice - Propofol.
Shall we backtrack a little bit though? Because it's not just a matter of going directly to being violated, you have to prepare for it first. It's the so-called dreaded PREP. For all of you who have gone through this, you already know what it's like: a clear liquid diet the day before the colonoscopy (Wait, did you say clear liquid diet? Does white wine or vodka count?), drinking a liter of an electrolyte concoction in the evening, in my case it was something called MoviPrep, which after you finish, you are primed for BLAST OFF! The purgative literally blasts off whatever you have hiding in the nooks and crannies of your chitterlings and sends it down the drain in several installments. You might as well keep your pants and undies off for the duration to save time between toilet visits so you don't accidentally soil yourself. Because just when you think you had ejected everything, another spasm makes you sprint faster than a leopard in the savanna, back to the crapper. Then after you exhaust yourself with all the sprinting, you try to get some sleep before the alarm wakes you up at 4:30 in the morning so you can repeat the electrolyte drinking process and subsequent bathroom dashes all over again. To paraphrase Dave Barry: it's as if you are ejecting whatever you might have eaten tomorrow. Never in the annals of mankind has anyone used so much toilet paper as I have in such a short period of time.
|MoviPrep Blast Off Drink|
So after verifying my address and destination, Nancy picked me up and dropped me off at the surgery center. I signed in, signed a few consent forms and was sent to the GI lab in a few minutes. I was asked to change into a gown, then this Filipina nurse who also happened to have graduated from my alma mater (University of the Philippines), and whose husband is from Zamboanga City, inserted an IV in my right arm and hooked me up to a blood pressure machine. Well, it seemed like taking my blood pressure medication and an anxiety pill earlier(which were the only solids I was allowed to take) kept my blood pressure within normal limits. Thank goodness for that because my BP usually goes sky high when I'm anxious. Then another nurse and the anesthesiologist introduced themselves, and in short time, my bed was wheeled into the surgery area. Dr. Weiss asked me if I was ready and I responded - " well, I'm here", and he said - "so am I". I guess we were both ready. I was asked to turn on my left side, then the anesthesiologist placed an oxygen mask on my face and told me to breath deeply. All I can remember was taking two or three breathes, and then my name being called to wake me up. And just like that, the violation, I mean the examination was over. Over and done with for another five years. I asked Dr. Weiss if a video of the procedure was available, but he said the computers they had didn't have enough storage. I also asked him about withdrawal time or how long he takes to slowly withdraw the endoscope while examining the length of the colon (the slower, the better). He said that time was a good criteria for doctors who were new at doing colonoscopies. Having done more than 30,000 of them, he said he already knows what exactly to look for. My preliminary results indicated: no polyps, no cancer. Yipee! As a consolation prize, they gave me a photocopy of the pictures they took of my colon and some apple juice. Then they called Nancy to pick me up. She actually had to go upstairs to where I was and sign my discharge instructions so the staff was certain that I wasn't driving myself. After Nancy dropped me off at home, my wobbly legs managed to take me back to my condo without falling or passing out.
I followed the discharge instructions as closely as possible, namely: no driving, no alcohol (darn it!), and no vigorous exercise for 24 hours after the procedure. The next day, I got a follow up call from Jean, the Filipino nurse, to find out how I was doing and I said everything went well and that I already mailed the feedback form that came with my discharge instructions. Of course, I checked Excellent in all categories. My question is - was that colonoscopy procedure really done on me? Because my butt doesn't even hurt and I don't even feel violated!
For a more humorous account about colonoscopies, I present Dave Barry's version: http://www.miamiherald.com/2009/02/11/v-fullstory/427603/dave-barry-a-journey-into-my-colon.html