Setting The Funeral Wheels In Motion

Minutes following Mama’s passing, Kuya Vic, Ate Chit, Caloy, Madie, and I gathered around and contemplated our next move. Vic called La Merced Funeral Parlor to consult with them what to do next. We then went to La Merced and told the person in charge that we needed to transfer Mama to their facility. He summoned another worker and they brought a guerney to their truck and followed us home. There, they transferred Mama on the guerney and took her back to the funeral parlor with me riding shotgun. Mama was placed in a room next to the embalming area. I guess they had some regulation that required them to wait a certain number of hours before they can start the embalming process. Someone mentioned that it was to make sure there was no spontaneous resurrection. Caregiver Neneng and helper Andrea arrived at about 3 a.m. to keep watch over Mama while I went home to contact my supervisor and rebook my flights. Kuya Vic mentioned earlier that it was important to keep watch because there have been instances in the past where organs were harvested illegally. The ubiquitous stray dog(s) was also seen hanging around the funeral parlor so that was another cause for concern in case their hunger got the better of them. Sorry about being so morbid here. In the meantime the Pabellons and Tupazes gathered information on the proper paperwork to fill out and submit to authorities regarding Mama’s death. Nothing else could be done until after 8 a.m. that morning.

Sending an email to my supervisor wasn’t a problem. My Cebu Pacific Airlines ticket wasn’t refundable or rebookable so that was as good as lost. Scouring the Korean Airlines website, I didn’t find a page which allowed me to rebook. Instead, a message popped up saying that the Philippine government does not allow online booking for international flights. I had to find the Manila phone number of Korean Airlines and promptly gave them a call. Telling them my situation, they were able to rebook me for Thursday with the same schedule as my Monday flight. Just after the rebooking was confirmed, the load on my cell phone ran out! Thankfully I already received the confirmation number, although I was still doubtful. It wasn’t until a few hours later that I felt reassured, when an email confirmation with a new eticket arrived.

I returned to La Merced at about 7 a.m. to relieve Neneng while awaiting the arrival of Larry. The other caregiver – Joanna arrived shortly to join Andrea and I. I was relieved to see Larry walking down the hallway towards us. Together we went to look at Mama. Quiet prayers were said, then Mama was taken to the embalming room. Larry and I went to the office to find out options for visitation rooms and caskets and that was taken cared of at that time. Caloy and Madie arrived with a government social worker who came to verify the demise of Mama so that a medical officer could issue a death certificate. The Pabellons came shortly and together with Larry, we picked a casket for Mama based on her prior instructions. Then they had to leave to follow up with more paperwork. Larry said he even had to obtain a cedula. I added some load to my cell phone at a store across the funeral parlor, then a chain of text messages was sent around to relatives and friends regarding Mama’s passing and Uncle Dante and Auntie Lita came by the funeral parlor to join us.

After the embalming process, Mama was dressed in the clothes that were chosen two days before, then placed in the casket. Initially, the workers brought the wrong casket, so we had to show them the one we picked. Mama was then brought upstairs to an air conditioned visitation room (only one of two, I think). By afternoon, flowers and visitors began to trickle in. The chain of text messages had done its job.

We had decided beforehand that the visitation would only be two days so the burial was scheduled for Wednesday afternoon. Prayers and masses were arranged, the details of which were pretty much a blur to me by that time because I hadn’t slept in more than 24 hours. I just assented to what people were telling me. About 9 p.m., as Ate Chit was saying something, I felt dizzy and had to excuse myself to go home. As usual, I didn’t sleep well despite my exhaustion.

I managed to do my walking workout on Tuesday morning after which I humped it all the way back to La Merced (running and walking) because I was running late, and I had told Larry beforehand that I would be back by 8 a.m. to relieve him. I was running low on pesos but found a money changer nearby which was also a booking agent for Airphil Express Airlines. That took care of two things at once and saved me time. Visitors came and went thru late Tuesday evening. I met relatives and family friends whom I haven’t seen in years or met for the first time, and got phone calls and text messages from the rest who were not in Zamboanga. Thank you all for your condolences and offerings of prayers.

I left briefly and went home to get a small pillow and my earplugs because I planned on staying at La Merced that night. It was Larry’s turn to get some shuteye  at the apartment, but he stayed with us that night too. So it was Larry, Neneng, Mary Cate, Andrea, Erning’s family (sorry I forgot your names), and I who stayed overnight with Mama.  We secured the visitation room door, barring the two handles with an umbrella just like Larry did the night before, then took turns sleeping on the pews.

When I awoke at 5 a.m. Wednesday, Larry was already up. It was raining outside and I had no raingear. I also only had one pair of running shoes which I also wore for the rest of the day. I couldn’t get those wet because I had to wear them for the funeral later that day, so I mentally prepared myself to missing my first workout in 30 odd years. Then I started walking in my slide sandals, doing laps around the second floor of the funeral parlor and pretty soon added the stairs (only one flight though) until I reached my requisite 30 minutes, then added 2 more for good measure. My exercise streak lives on! If it was still a running streak, I'm not sure if I would have been able to continue it since running inside a funeral parlor seemed inappropriate.

I went home for a quick shower then returned to La Merced bringing the clothes I brought from the U.S.  for this particular purpose. Even though anticipating the death of a loved one is difficult to think about, and of course you don’t want it to happen, I still had to be realistic based on reports I received before travelling back to Zamboanga.

Prayers led by the Mother Butler group

Hours passed, relatives and friends came, a rosary was recited and pretty soon, it was time to transport Mama to St. Joseph’s Cathedral for the funeral mass. Remember I said I thought I may not be seeing my Notre Dame classmates again real soon? Well, some of them showed up that day too. I can’t say much about the funeral mass because it was another moment of blur for me.

Funeral Mass at St. Joseph's Cathedral

 The video that our cousin in law took pretty much portrayed what happened accurately. Thanks again Boni Salinas. I shall post that video again below. We were transported to Forest Lake Cemetery after the mass where I saw Papa’s burial site for the first time since I attended his funeral. I thought that happened 11 years ago and I was grossly mistaken when I saw his headstone dated 13 years prior. Brief services and blessings were conducted and Mama’s casket was soon lain on top of Papa’s.

While the workers covered up the grave, snacks were passed around to the attendees (thanks to Ate Chit for taking care of this). They were purchased from and delivered by KFC (yes, folks – Kentucky Fried Chicken). Mama would have been smiling about that blend of Filipino tradition and American commerce.

Goodbye Mama. We Love You Very Much. Thanks For Everything You Have Given Us.

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Pilar’s Last Days

Uncle Dante and Auntie Lita

Mama hardly said anything if at all from Friday through Sunday even though visitors came in and out through the day.  Uncle Dante and Auntie Lita were there every day. Others who came to visit were baby Annika and her mom, Carmela Marfil, Leonardo Wee, Irene Hassan, Vic and Chit Pabellon, the Mother Butler group, Caloy, Madie, and their children of course, who just lived upstairs, and other people who escape my mind now, so please forgive me if I forgot to mention you.

Annika - Apo sa tuhod

We purchased a bulb syringe to try to clear Mama’s throat of phlegm or saliva when she started choking from drinking fluids. She was also having difficulty swallowing by this time and took all her energy just to sip water from a straw when taking her medications. Because of the heat and humidity, the caregivers changed her clothes frequently which was no easy matter because these were house dresses and not hospital gowns. Under the circumstances, we did our best to keep Mama as comfortable as possible.

Mama was on oxygen by nasal cannula all day and night. By Friday, the oxygen was running low and Caloy with his trusty handyman, Erning found a wrench in case we had to switch the regulator from one oxygen bottle to a backup one if the delivery of a new bottle didn’t come on time. It turns out that the regulator came with its own wrench as Larry told us. We just had to find the box it came in. I tried transferring the regulator to the backup bottle but heard some hissing indicating a leak. Fortunately, the oxygen company delivery guy came shortly and showed us how to detect a leak by using soap bubbles. It turns out, I only had to put more muscle into it to tighten the valve. Well, we can always learn something new every day, can’t we?

With Madie and Ate Chit present on Saturday, they went through Mama’s dresses to pick out what she would wear at the end. They knew Mama’s preferences very well and picked out a pretty cream colored ensemble that Mama would have approved of.

With Notre Dame classmates at Palmeras Restaurant on Notre Dame day.

I had to leave Mama for a couple of hours Saturday night because my Notre Dame of Jolo classmates invited me to dinner at Palmeras Restaurant. It was going to be a mini reunion on Notre Dame Day!  Mimi and her son picked me up and we encountered the worst evening traffic on the way. The car could barely move at the corner of Nunez Street and Governor Alvarez Avenue. What normally would have taken 10 minutes took half an hour. The same group that met me at Amil’s the week before was there minus Nayda, but plus Delia and Fatmawati. Earlier in the day, Delia sent mangosteen, homemade durian preserve, native organic Jolo coffee, and itlug payukan (I will not translate that last one because it’s supposed to be illegal obtaining them anymore), to Mama’s apartment. We had Japanese cuisine that evening which I offered to pay for but my classmates declined again. An equivalent of less than 75 dollars fed 10 people Japanese food with much left for doggie bags! A great time was had by all but we had to say our goodbyes pretty soon. People don’t spend too many late nights out in that city. I thought it would be a few years before I would see my classmates again.

I was driven home by Mimi and her son after dropping off Delia at her hotel. I checked on Mama and the caregiver said she hadn’t complained of any pain while I was gone so I was relieved to hear that.

Sunday, I was out for my early morning walk again then attended mass at St. Joseph’s cathedral, where I saw Mama’s doctor with her family up front. On my way back home I stopped by Morning Sun Satti House to say goodbye to Solomon because I was leaving early Monday morning. I invited the Tupaz family to lunch and we went to Lantaka Hotel’s Sunday smorgasbord after they went to mass at 11 a.m.

A view from Lantaka Hotel showing the Port of Zamboanga and Santa Cruz Island beyond

When we returned home, the morning shift caregiver – Joanna reported that she was concerned about Mama’s low blood pressure so we monitored that closely through the day. It went as low as 70/40 which was cause for much concern even though Mama’s pulse was strong and constantly in the 100 to 110 range. When Joanna got that low reading she burst into tears. I rechecked it and it was similar even though I got 82 for the systolic. We couldn’t really do anything about it. Mama was having what is called fluid volume deficit due to lack of fluid intake, not to mention food. I told her to hang on and that I was leaving the next day to go back to the States, and that Larry will be with her in a few days time. But I had a feeling at that point that Mama wasn’t going to let me get off that easy in leaving Zamboanga. I can only imagine what she was thinking (“oh no you’re not!”). So I made a mental checklist of what I had to do if the inevitable happened while I was still there. Since arrangements for Mama were already done, all I had to do was contact my work supervisor via email in case I had to extend my leave, and rebook my flights. I also made a backup plan for Auntie Beth in California to call my supervisor in case she doesn’t get my email over the weekend. As for Mama, we can only monitor her. Because of her difficulty swallowing, I told the caregivers to hold all her maintenance medications because those were inconsequential at that point. Basically they were blood pressure and acid reflux medications plus multivitamins. Her blood pressure was already too low and there was no acid reflux because she wasn’t eating. She had to reserve all her energy to take the pain medications because that was all that mattered now.

I tried going to sleep but because of the situation, I couldn’t. I expected a phone call or text message to come at any time, and it did at 1 a.m. The text message from Neneng just said “sir Noel”. I rushed to Mama’s apartment and saw that she had started gasping for breath. It was no longer the usual the respiratory pattern I had observed consistently during the past week that I had been there. I held her hand, felt for her pulse with the other and detected that her pulse rate had slowed down considerably. I whispered to her that we loved her and that it was okay to let go and to say hello to Papa for us. Part of me felt like getting a panic attack and getting out of there to avoid the situation. In Mama’s last few moments, I prayed to God to help her go peacefully and to give me the strength to handle the situation and not freak out. Thank you God for being so accommodating. Drawing one last deep breath, Mama left the earthy world and to her Maker’s hands, also reuniting with Papa, no doubt. The date was September 10, 2012, 1:05 a.m.

I called and woke Larry up a few minutes later and told him our Mama was gone, and he prepared to return to Zamboanga on the next available morning flight.

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Momsie in Weemsie in Zamboanga City

I approached the Western Mindanao Medical Center (WMMC - locally, they call it weemsie) front entrance and the security guard checked me for weapons. He didn’t inspect my bag when I told him I just arrived from Manila and was there to see my mother on the third floor. I then rode the elevator then asked the nurses at the nursing station where room 324 was. After all those years being gone, I was about to see my mother again, though not under the best circumstances.

The last time I was in Zamboanga City was for the funeral of my father 13 years ago. Mama was still very much in charge and choreographed the visitation, wake, and funeral with ease. At the time Mama portrayed strength and determination to see things through during Papa’s final farewell, as I’ve never seen her done before.

I knocked lightly on the door of room 324 then entered. My first glimpse was of cousins Mary Cate and Claire, and Uncle Dante and Auntie Lita. As I approached, I saw dear Mama to the left in bed. I excused myself from my relatives and greeted Mama first. In the best American accent I could muster,  I said “Mom, I made it!”, then held her hand and kissed her on the forehead. A faint smile came across her face. I wasn’t sure if she was expecting me to be there with her so soon. In her weakened state, she wasn’t able to talk very much but our shared silence spoke enough volumes of the gratitude we had being together again after more than a decade of separation.

I turned my attention to our relatives who until about a couple of months ago didn’t know about Mama’s worsening condition. It was through Facebook that I found one of my cousins (the younger brother of Cate and Claire) whom I never met in real life, and asked him to inform his Dad and Mom – Uncle Dante and Auntie Lita, about Mama. They had been visiting Mama frequently since then. Uncle Dante is the last remaining sibling of Mama who is alive.

Half an hour after I saw Mama, the Pabellon Family arrived. Kuya Vic, Ate Chit, and Jing came from the airport where they went to pick me up. But because of the plane arriving 10 minutes early and my quick exit from the terminal, we missed each other. Pretty soon, photos with Mama were being taken, knowing that the opportunities of doing this were dwindling in the coming days. These photos will be cherished forever.

Mama asked me what I had in my luggage, knowing full well I had brought chocolates as she requested. I opened my bag and unloaded a dozen 6 pack bags of fun size chocolates of all kinds (boy, have they downsized those things!). Mama proceeded to verbally dole them out to those present. I didn’t keep track on who got what and how many. They were Mom’s goods to give out however she desired.

My brother Larry arrived the next evening and we were able to fulfill the first of Mama’s last wishes – the three of us being together. Thank you, Larry, for asking me to come home much earlier.

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